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I know time will heal what I am feeling, but right now I feel like it never will.
I miss him so much it hurts so bad ... so much that the pain is almost suffocating at times. Everything I do reminds of me of him. Everything. Its just one choking sob after another these days.
For over a week now since he's passed, Ive been begging him to come to me in my dreams and tell me he's okay; to come talk to me. I'd been feeling so broken and hurt because he hadn't but last night I finally had a very small glimmer of a dream with him in it. It wasn't more than 30 or so seconds, and I know we spoke and I remember him saying he was okay, but that's it. That's all I can remember now (it was a lot fresher this morning). Now I want more. I want him in my dreams every night. I want to have actual conversations with him. I want to hold him and never let go, even if it's just in my dreams.
Crazy thing is ... all my life I have always slept a LOT ... I mean, I was consantly sleeping my life away. Now that I want to sleep? Now that I want to dream? I'm shocked if I get more than 4 or so hours a night of actual sleep.
I just feel like I am the only one in this world right now ... is such indescriable pain ... and I feel so freaking alone, and yet deep down I know that is nowhere near true. I try to drop little lines to my friends and family, but they don't know what to do or say (and honestly, nothing they say really helps even though I know they are trying and mean well in every way). They all tell me time will heal ... and I KNOW THAT ... but it's so hard right now. Every single thing I do ... it's like a sledgehammer to my chest. A sledgehammer to my heart, and it's chipping away at what little of my heart I have left.
Yesterday I decided to start going back to the gym, to see if that will help distract me. And for the hour / hour and a half I am there ... it sort of does. I just blast music so I can't think straight and just work my ass off, but the second the headphones come off, and the second Im back out in the real world, it all comes rushing back and I just cry the whole ride home (same thing today, but I am still going to keep going to the gym because it does help for at least that short time I am there).
I am trying hard to 'get back to normal', but its so hard. How can there be a 'normal' without the man I love the most in this whole world beside me? I'm also not going back to work until July 25th, so I have a lot of 'free' time on my hands until then and with all this time, I have a lot to think ... which is probably the worst (but I also AM glad I'm not going back until almost the end of July).
I just want to see my dad again, every day ... even if it's just in my dreams.
Oh and I came across this song earlier today and it made me ball my eyes out.
I miss him so much it hurts so bad ... so much that the pain is almost suffocating at times. Everything I do reminds of me of him. Everything. Its just one choking sob after another these days.
For over a week now since he's passed, Ive been begging him to come to me in my dreams and tell me he's okay; to come talk to me. I'd been feeling so broken and hurt because he hadn't but last night I finally had a very small glimmer of a dream with him in it. It wasn't more than 30 or so seconds, and I know we spoke and I remember him saying he was okay, but that's it. That's all I can remember now (it was a lot fresher this morning). Now I want more. I want him in my dreams every night. I want to have actual conversations with him. I want to hold him and never let go, even if it's just in my dreams.
Crazy thing is ... all my life I have always slept a LOT ... I mean, I was consantly sleeping my life away. Now that I want to sleep? Now that I want to dream? I'm shocked if I get more than 4 or so hours a night of actual sleep.
I just feel like I am the only one in this world right now ... is such indescriable pain ... and I feel so freaking alone, and yet deep down I know that is nowhere near true. I try to drop little lines to my friends and family, but they don't know what to do or say (and honestly, nothing they say really helps even though I know they are trying and mean well in every way). They all tell me time will heal ... and I KNOW THAT ... but it's so hard right now. Every single thing I do ... it's like a sledgehammer to my chest. A sledgehammer to my heart, and it's chipping away at what little of my heart I have left.
Yesterday I decided to start going back to the gym, to see if that will help distract me. And for the hour / hour and a half I am there ... it sort of does. I just blast music so I can't think straight and just work my ass off, but the second the headphones come off, and the second Im back out in the real world, it all comes rushing back and I just cry the whole ride home (same thing today, but I am still going to keep going to the gym because it does help for at least that short time I am there).
I am trying hard to 'get back to normal', but its so hard. How can there be a 'normal' without the man I love the most in this whole world beside me? I'm also not going back to work until July 25th, so I have a lot of 'free' time on my hands until then and with all this time, I have a lot to think ... which is probably the worst (but I also AM glad I'm not going back until almost the end of July).
I just want to see my dad again, every day ... even if it's just in my dreams.
Oh and I came across this song earlier today and it made me ball my eyes out.
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depressed
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