Been a hard few weeks. I totally broke down badly on Thursday... cried pretty hard for hours. I dont know how to live without my dad. The only time I am 'okay' or not crying is when I zone out and binge watch Netflix. I just finished all 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls last night in like 6 days (straight watching from like 6am to about midnight every day).

I dont know how to move on without my dad. I know I have to (and it might happen naturally), but I just ... I DONT want to. He should be here. He should be with us... going on the small shopping trips I can handle with my mom.

Today we went to the cemetery and approved the small photo we're adding to my dad's stone inside the mausoleum. They gave us a little gift for buying the photo, which totally surprised and touched us. It's a tiny jewelry holder. It was a very nice and beautiful surprise and it really made my mom and I tear up/cry. After that tearjerker, we went and sat a little while inside the mausoleum and chatted privately with dad. I think it will hit me harder once I see his name and picture on the stone ... it's gonna be a hard day (they say it should all be done by next sunday--not this one).

Here are two photos: The same photo that will be on his stone. Its the one the funeral home put on a candle for my dad's wake/funeral (which was also a beautiful touch and brought us to tears).

The heartshapped jewelry thing is what they gave us today.


Here's the candle the funeral home had for us.


That image is the very last good photo we have of my dad smiling. It was taken on our cruise in November (which I am so thankful we had the chance to go on and enjoy). When we got back from the cruise is when my dad had brain surgery (literally that Thursday right after), to remove the tumor in his brain they'd found. He came out of the surgery, but had lost a lot of use of his left side (leg and arm) so he immediately started up physical therapy. But about four weeks into that, he got REALLY sick with a horrible infection. He was in the hospital for 9 whole days. It was really bad.

That delayed his chemo even further (and he'd already been off of chemo since October). He got sick again literally 4 weeks again, after leaving the hospital. It brought him down a LOT and he was still off his chemo.

This happened again 2 more times where he was hospitalized for illness (because his immune was SO low he kept getting sick) that it delayed his treatments for six whole months ... and it just all spread like wildfire.

I mean... I just cant beleive how quickly it all went downhill from that wonderful cruise. He was so happy, so full of life, and just ... ALIVE. REALLY alive. It KILLS me picturing him SO happy that week and then the insane nightmare of his failing health that literally happened from one second to the next ... its just ... It KILLS ME.

I miss him SO MUCH. I know I keep saying that, but ... SO MUCH. I had a huge panic attack yesterday. I was in the shower and getting ready to meet Patricia so we could go look for a cake for Diane's Bridal Shower. And everything just hit me so hard in the shower. I dont want to plan this PARTY ... I dont want to have FUN ... Its just all too soon and too close to my dad's passing and it fills me with so much guilt and pain and it's such an awful feeling ... and then thinking about all I still had to do for this shower AND her Bachelorette ... and its just all suffocating me.

But I am her MAID OF HONOR and she deserves the best of the best and to have the most amazing time and I cannot let my suffering get in the way of that ... but balacing these two warring sides of life just made me panic so bad. I jumped out of the shower because I was hyperventilating... I started to get cold sweats and was shaking so bad/dizzy that I had to rush out to the couch to lie down and control my breathing and yell at myself.

I just ... its all killing me. I love my dad sooooo much. I miss him like crazy. I know what I need is time. I knowwwww all of that. Everyone tells me every day. Everyone keeps telling me I just need to get back on the horse and start to live life again ... but I just dont WANT to. I want HIM... HERE. His birthday last week was SO Hard ... and the following day was the 1 month of his passing and it was just one of the worst weekends ever ... It really was.