I wrote a poem today (below). I'm trying to decide if I want to share it on Facebook or not. I've limited my use of Facebook as far as in-depth, deep emotional things ... I'd rather write about them here (or privately) than scribble a few inconspicuous lines on FB. I don't know. I'll use the day to think about it.

Even though I've been away from work for almost 5 months now, nothing has changed at this place. They're still trying to make two or three people doing 5 jobs, while others just sit around twiddling their thumbs.
My supervisor had said she was going to chat with HR while I was away because of how unhappy I was with the current situation (helping out a different department, even though I work for MY boss--the other dept head was driving me bonkers).

Well, initially it looked good. It seemed like HR was definitely behind keeping me as close to my job description/title and getting a new person hired for the other department to assist.

I come back to work this week and finally met up with HR yesterday afternoon. Not only am I still working for that department, BUT they tried to ADD duties to my already doing work load. Also, part of the arrangement my boss was going to use to get them to agree to 'letting me go' from the other department, is that she would let go of HER part-time (25hrs a week) assistant, so that they could hire one for the other department, and I would take on the work of her assistant.

So, they DID get rid of her assistant... ARE taking the 25 hours for the other department... BUT are allocating them in a different manner/use.

Are you for fucking-serious right now? I almost blew a gasket. But, I just sat there and said, "Look. I already do a lot for that department and now, because you got rid of that 25 hour position, I'll be taking on ALL that work that THAT person did ... I really CANNOT take on the 'extra' from the other department that I'm already supposed to only be helping out with."

Seriously? How is my luck this bad? I really don't understand how they can continue to just blatantly take advantage of me like this and NOT even consider giving me more on the raise (everyone here gets the same % raise wise).

I spoke calmly, stated my thoughts on the extra shit and she said she'd work on getting them added to whoever the 'new person' will be. Then today I spoke to my supervisor who is beyond pissed off at how it all turned out, and it almost seems like shes NOT my supervisor and somehow the other dept head is running the show. I mean ... What the eff?

Whatever. Life is SO short. I really dont want to dwell on this, so now that I've vented, I'm moving on with life and just taking it as it comes. Some day ... maybe I'll actually be THANKED for what I do. Who knows.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, here's the poem I wrote. It's definitely a draft (as I already changed a couple of things twice since starting this post).

My dad is living up in heaven now
Patiently watching over me
With every breath I take
My heart aches to see
Another smile across his face
More moments in his grace

Each day gets harder without him
But I keep trying to be
The daughter that he raised
A girl who’s truly free
To be someone he’s proud of
Someone he can continue to love

My father will always be my hero
A lifetime of memories for my heart to keep
An angel with enormous white wings
Who will still visit me in my sleep
I wish I’d said ‘I love you’ more
And for that my heart will always be sore

As I talk with you each night
I’m sorry I often break at the seam
I just wish I had one more day
To hug you, kiss you, and scream

I love you, I love you, I love you
Forever and an eternity
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you
Forever and an eternity

Been a hard few weeks. I totally broke down badly on Thursday... cried pretty hard for hours. I dont know how to live without my dad. The only time I am 'okay' or not crying is when I zone out and binge watch Netflix. I just finished all 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls last night in like 6 days (straight watching from like 6am to about midnight every day).

I dont know how to move on without my dad. I know I have to (and it might happen naturally), but I just ... I DONT want to. He should be here. He should be with us... going on the small shopping trips I can handle with my mom.

Today we went to the cemetery and approved the small photo we're adding to my dad's stone inside the mausoleum. They gave us a little gift for buying the photo, which totally surprised and touched us. It's a tiny jewelry holder. It was a very nice and beautiful surprise and it really made my mom and I tear up/cry. After that tearjerker, we went and sat a little while inside the mausoleum and chatted privately with dad. I think it will hit me harder once I see his name and picture on the stone ... it's gonna be a hard day (they say it should all be done by next sunday--not this one).

Here are two photos: The same photo that will be on his stone. Its the one the funeral home put on a candle for my dad's wake/funeral (which was also a beautiful touch and brought us to tears).

The heartshapped jewelry thing is what they gave us today.


Here's the candle the funeral home had for us.


That image is the very last good photo we have of my dad smiling. It was taken on our cruise in November (which I am so thankful we had the chance to go on and enjoy). When we got back from the cruise is when my dad had brain surgery (literally that Thursday right after), to remove the tumor in his brain they'd found. He came out of the surgery, but had lost a lot of use of his left side (leg and arm) so he immediately started up physical therapy. But about four weeks into that, he got REALLY sick with a horrible infection. He was in the hospital for 9 whole days. It was really bad.

That delayed his chemo even further (and he'd already been off of chemo since October). He got sick again literally 4 weeks again, after leaving the hospital. It brought him down a LOT and he was still off his chemo.

This happened again 2 more times where he was hospitalized for illness (because his immune was SO low he kept getting sick) that it delayed his treatments for six whole months ... and it just all spread like wildfire.

I mean... I just cant beleive how quickly it all went downhill from that wonderful cruise. He was so happy, so full of life, and just ... ALIVE. REALLY alive. It KILLS me picturing him SO happy that week and then the insane nightmare of his failing health that literally happened from one second to the next ... its just ... It KILLS ME.

I miss him SO MUCH. I know I keep saying that, but ... SO MUCH. I had a huge panic attack yesterday. I was in the shower and getting ready to meet Patricia so we could go look for a cake for Diane's Bridal Shower. And everything just hit me so hard in the shower. I dont want to plan this PARTY ... I dont want to have FUN ... Its just all too soon and too close to my dad's passing and it fills me with so much guilt and pain and it's such an awful feeling ... and then thinking about all I still had to do for this shower AND her Bachelorette ... and its just all suffocating me.

But I am her MAID OF HONOR and she deserves the best of the best and to have the most amazing time and I cannot let my suffering get in the way of that ... but balacing these two warring sides of life just made me panic so bad. I jumped out of the shower because I was hyperventilating... I started to get cold sweats and was shaking so bad/dizzy that I had to rush out to the couch to lie down and control my breathing and yell at myself.

I just ... its all killing me. I love my dad sooooo much. I miss him like crazy. I know what I need is time. I knowwwww all of that. Everyone tells me every day. Everyone keeps telling me I just need to get back on the horse and start to live life again ... but I just dont WANT to. I want HIM... HERE. His birthday last week was SO Hard ... and the following day was the 1 month of his passing and it was just one of the worst weekends ever ... It really was.

I know life will never be the same again... how can it be? I'm trying to find a new normal, but it's hard. If I go out (even just to a friend's house), I feel like I'm somehow betraying my father. Like I should be home, miserable without him in my life, miserable he's not with me and my brothers. Yet, when I'm home I can't stop crying and some days I just need a moment when I'm not. 

The last two days my brother's have 'forced' me to go hang out with some friends... get me out of the house. I admit, it does help distract me, and it does help lessen the pain when Im surrounded by people who understand and care and have been there these last two weeks (I still can't believe he's been gone two weeks already, feels like just yesterday). 

But inside, even as I'm smiling at a joke or distracted by their craziness, deep inside my heart aches so much and I feel like this pain will never ebb away. I mean, I know it'll never go away completely (and Im thankful for that ... I want to always remember his love, his laugh, his smile, his joy at the small things in life, his total amazingness ... I never want to forget, ever... and if pain is the only way, I'll take it). 

I just hate how I feel when I get home afterwards. It all comes rushing back, floods me with memories and guilt and its awful. 

I bought a planner last Monday. I am going to start writing notes to my dad in it (it starts on July 1st). Im hoping that by writing to him every day, it might help me heal, since he refuses to come to me in my dreams so we can chat. 

With that, sadly life does go on. Diane is still getting married Oct. 2nd. I'm still her maid of honor. I find it so hard to concentrate on these things though. People tell me to use this to distract myself but I find it's hard. I'm still trying to plan her bachelorette and her bridal shower... and it's in a little over a month and a half and I have no desire, no engery to really work on any of it, but I have to. I have to make sure she has the most amazing days because she deserves it. 

I just feel like the worst maid of honor in he world, but she totally gets it. She asks ME how SHE can help ME ... its supposed to be the other way around. I love her so much ... I love everyone so much. 

It's just this constant war inside of me. This war to mourn but this part of me that knows I need to learn to live again ... its choas inside of me, pulling me this way and that way and I just ... I dont know! Oh, and Nelson FINALLY proposed to Patricia and God ... my dad won't be at their wedding and that kills us all when we actually think about it, help plan their day ... it's just all .... HORRIBLE! We shouldn't be happy without him... we shouldn't be!!! But, he wouldn't want that either ...

I just hate it all... I hate this chaos.