I know life will never be the same again... how can it be? I'm trying to find a new normal, but it's hard. If I go out (even just to a friend's house), I feel like I'm somehow betraying my father. Like I should be home, miserable without him in my life, miserable he's not with me and my brothers. Yet, when I'm home I can't stop crying and some days I just need a moment when I'm not. 

The last two days my brother's have 'forced' me to go hang out with some friends... get me out of the house. I admit, it does help distract me, and it does help lessen the pain when Im surrounded by people who understand and care and have been there these last two weeks (I still can't believe he's been gone two weeks already, feels like just yesterday). 

But inside, even as I'm smiling at a joke or distracted by their craziness, deep inside my heart aches so much and I feel like this pain will never ebb away. I mean, I know it'll never go away completely (and Im thankful for that ... I want to always remember his love, his laugh, his smile, his joy at the small things in life, his total amazingness ... I never want to forget, ever... and if pain is the only way, I'll take it). 

I just hate how I feel when I get home afterwards. It all comes rushing back, floods me with memories and guilt and its awful. 

I bought a planner last Monday. I am going to start writing notes to my dad in it (it starts on July 1st). Im hoping that by writing to him every day, it might help me heal, since he refuses to come to me in my dreams so we can chat. 

With that, sadly life does go on. Diane is still getting married Oct. 2nd. I'm still her maid of honor. I find it so hard to concentrate on these things though. People tell me to use this to distract myself but I find it's hard. I'm still trying to plan her bachelorette and her bridal shower... and it's in a little over a month and a half and I have no desire, no engery to really work on any of it, but I have to. I have to make sure she has the most amazing days because she deserves it. 

I just feel like the worst maid of honor in he world, but she totally gets it. She asks ME how SHE can help ME ... its supposed to be the other way around. I love her so much ... I love everyone so much. 

It's just this constant war inside of me. This war to mourn but this part of me that knows I need to learn to live again ... its choas inside of me, pulling me this way and that way and I just ... I dont know! Oh, and Nelson FINALLY proposed to Patricia and God ... my dad won't be at their wedding and that kills us all when we actually think about it, help plan their day ... it's just all .... HORRIBLE! We shouldn't be happy without him... we shouldn't be!!! But, he wouldn't want that either ...

I just hate it all... I hate this chaos.